I met Leah Folta my freshman year of college. She was one of those cooler, older kids.
While I just tried to keep up.
She had publicized an opportunity for screenwriters to write for a college satire site called Campus Basement. After she accepted my application, I went on to write my first blog post-esque things. It was there that I learned the power of gifs.
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| (Fun Fact, all my gifs are run on PikaPower.) |
And it opened up the gates of discussing our moms -- who, we discovered, had a few similarities. I was very much hoping that Leah would honor me with a post -- and at last she has!
Without further --
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How To React (And Not React) When Someone Shares Past Trauma With You
I am very VERY excited to get to write a guest post for Quinn! As I understand it, the way this works is you write about intense personal stuff with cutesy gifs sprinkled in.
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| Am I doing it right? |
Thank God Quinn is doing this -- taking taboos and messed up family history public, all brave, non-anonymous, and miraculously hilarious. I don’t want to say OMG ME TOO in a way that makes light of her experiences, but I have an estranged bipolar mother who lives in Arizona somewhere and ALL I WANT TO DO IS TALK ABOUT IT. She thought God was telling her lottery numbers. (Weirdly, he was always wrong.) She almost killed my brothers trying to push a station wagon uphill. She spent some time in Zimbabwe looking for gold.
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| I have her eyes. |
So I haven’t seen her in almost a decade, and that’s obviously sad for me. But for you, as a listener right now, that’s good stuff, right? Interesting, at least? I like to tell people about it because it feels like such a huge part of who I am, but telling people about it usually makes them look off into the distance, say “oh,” and then kind of shut down.
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| Am I doing it right? |
This isn’t, like, me oversharing with strangers on the bus, it’s a common reaction from friends I’m close with. Also a common reaction from boyfriends. Who have since become more empathetic. And I totally forgot about it. Don’t even think about it anymore. Whatever.
I still don’t know what that reaction’s all about, but I don’t like making people shut down. I also know that anyone talking too much about issues with their parents gets very annoying very fast. Nobody likes a wallow-er -- or in the words of an estranged mother from my favorite movie, “nobody likes a pity-party-havin’-ass woman.” So I stopped telling people about it. Nobody wants to hear about mommy issues, daddy issues, or stepmommy issues.
As it turns out, NEVER talking about past traumas also sucks. SO that loops back around to how I am very thankful Quinn has created a space where we can do that!
BUUUT -- if we’re all getting comfortable revealing our secrets, there will be more of you LISTENING to these secrets. So I decided to write a handy-dandy pocket guide for those times when all of us are a listener. (Print it out and put it in your pocket. There, it’s a pocket guide. I’m not going to hold your hand through all of this.)
Here are your options for reacting to someone else’s uncomfortable story --
- Shut down
Generally a quick, emotionless comment like “oh” or “wow,” a blank stare off in a different direction, and a long silence. No further questions, just pray for this moment to be over. Hearing this story makes you feel weird. Why draw it out any longer?
People are just the best!!
- Compete
“I am cool because my life sucks the most” was a weird game my friends and I used to play in middle school on the bus. It’s like we were all that person who HAS to top whatever story you’re telling, but with terrible things about our lives. Some adults still do this middle school thing, just like some still shop at Hot Topic or refuse to talk about periods.
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| This is literally ¼ of my adult life, can we please just have sex. |
When someone says “my parents are getting divorced,” a friend may respond with with “oh, believe me, I know how you feel! My parents are also divorced and I don’t see my dad!” because they DO know how their friend feels and they have important stuff to talk about too. That first person just had the wind taken out of their suffering, in a way that mainly says “you are not special.” They may try to elaborate on why their situation is uniquely terrible, which may cause an un-self-aware and/or 12-year-old friend to explain why what THEY felt is even worse. The competing continues, everyone feels ignored, nobody wins.
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| The circle of life. |
- Argue
This is the surprise out-of-left-field curveball choice, as far as being a listener goes.
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| Sports metaphor. |
If someone says “my parents are getting divorced, I feel terrible,” this is when the friend responds with a comment about how a divorce is probably better for their family, people don’t get divorced for no reason, they should have some perspective. Their mom probably has her own stuff going on, it’s a hard time for everybody. They’ve got their reasons. It’s their relationship.
Essentially, a friend tells a story they’re upset about and the response is to argue about why they shouldn’t be upset, and/or take the side of someone in the story. What?? Why?? Who?? WHEN?!
- The Right Thing
Everyone’s situation and feelings are different, so instead of trying to write this generally I’m going to say what the right thing is for me and hope that that is helpful. I wasn’t sure before why I felt rejected or annoyed by these other reactions (mainly #1). So I think I am looking for emotional validation. I don’t like using the phrase “I want to feel heard,” because I have mainly heard it used by douchebags who want to be agreed with. But… I guess I want to feel heard. And at most, I guess I’d like to command awe and respect, especially if you thought I was weird in school. Because I was. So here’s, well, one reason.
And I THINK, by validation, I mean I’m saying “this sucks” and I also want you to feel that it sucks. Or at least acknowledge that it sucks for me. You could very easily buy yourself some time to process by saying “that sucks.” If you’re the friend freezing up at my past-trauma confession, that little bit of sympathy is a great place to start. I also generally want to talk about things MORE, and want permission to talk about things more, and brought it up because I want to talk about it, so I love it when people ask questions. I feel questions communicate that the story was interesting to you and worth your time, which is nice.
I also do love to hear about similar experiences. The reason the “competing” response sucks is because it’s rushing to share a similar experience while glossing over the other person’s feelings. I guess what I’m saying is no matter what you do, that emotional validation is the key -- or as some would say:
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| Is key. |
IN CONCLUSION, I GUESS --
Everyone’s situation is different, and a great way to put your foot in your mouth is to say “THIS is the wrong way to feel feelings and THIS is the right way!” Which is exactly what I just did. But I think the world is better when we’re open about ourselves, especially the terrible parts, and I’ve had trouble sharing for a while. That’s why I think this blog is important and great. And, since this is a blog post, at least I don’t have to look you in the eyes as you say “oh” and click back over to your porn tabs.
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If you would like to read more by Leah and her, equally funny and equally named, writing partner Lia, then I recommend their comedy website: http://leahandlia.com.
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